Terrence's Tips and Granley's Gripes

With Terrence Granley


Q. Hi Terrence. My name is Linda and I am a stay-at-home Mum from Greater Manchester. Recently my four-year-old son called me a filthy slag and it’s really affecting my confidence. What should I do?

A. Well butter my #tits and call me #Brenda, you’ve landed yourself in a right #pickledonion there, honeybunch. My recommendation would be to put your son up for #adoption immediately. I find that children do nothing but get in the way, and it will certainly be easier to throw #sexparties when he’s not around. At least that way when people call you a #filthyslag it will be accurate.

Yours sexually,

T. x

Q. Greetings old chap. My wife recently left me and I’ve decided to take up golf to take my mind off everything. I wondered if you could recommend a good set of golf clubs?

A. Well lubricate my #lemons, I think you’ve asked the wrong fella. How in the name of #feck did you think I could help with that? I’m more #stripclub than #golfclub, babydoll. I’d certainly be able to recommend some of those if you were to ask again. But golf clubs? #Feck, I’m afraid you’re not going to get your wife back like that.

Yours sceptically,

T. x


Issue #1

Few things in my #life take greater self-restraint than resisting the urge to hurl #expletives at the self-service machines in supermarkets. I #fecking have put my #reducedmileycyuscalendar in the bagging area you #cunt.

Until next time #sweetiepies

T. x