Xavier is unusual among film critics in that he has never seen a film all the way through. Instead he operates a very unique grading system – a film will be rated based on how quickly it takes him to walk out the cinema; if he stays over an hour, it must be a modern masterpiece.
Xavier claims that if he could have any superpower it would be the power to block out all knowledge of the existence of superhero movies - it might not save any lives, but it would save him a helluva lot of time and money.
EXPOSING EVERYDAY EVIL
It has been a tough road for Ms Wotherspoon, but after years of failed attempts to start a newspaper column, Edna has finally got her way in Uuh! Magazine. In this column, she will regularly warn the public of several unknown evils they face on a day to day basis - specifically the network of TV quiz show hosts and morning presenters who are secretly conspiring to take over the world.
Edna has already become suspicious of the editor - having overheard him refer to her as a crazy cat lady, despite her not having told him about any of the sixteen cats she owns. Strange indeed.
BILLIARD’S BET REVIEW
Following the revelation that Uuh! Magazine was making worrying fiscal losses, the editor responded in the only sensible manner- by bringing in proffesional gambler Wayne Billiard to win some much needed dosh for the publication.
After a successful trial period during the 2018 Eurovision song contest, Wayne has now been awarded a bet review column, where he will demonstrate his betting prowess by gambling on a whole host of events, both sporting and miscellaneous. We hope Wayne is able to permanently transform the magazine's financial fortunes.
Ursula D. Sansbury
SERIALISATION OF A MASTERPIECE
Throughout a glittering literary career, Ursula D. Sansbury's Romantic Fiction novels have proven greatly successful with the masses. Alas, the critics have always held a slightly different view - labelling her works as "nothing more than formulaic, schmaltzy pieces of trash."
Following a recent round the world trip, Ursula has decided to prove the critics wrong by adding an element of edginess to her work - the result is a masterpiece of the Sci-Fi/Thriller/Horror/Erotica/Paranormal genre. Unfortunately all major publishers have passed on it (perhaps it is just too edgy) and so instead it will be serialised at Uuh! Magazine.
ABSTRACT AND AVANT-GARDE ARTISTES
Born John Jeffers, our music correspondent added an umlaut to his name in 1992, having frequently been told he sounded too dull for the indie scene. He has often toyed with the idea of adding a grave accent to the second 'e' in Jeffers but has so far resisted.
Jöhn refuses to cover any musicians who have written or performed under the influence of drugs. “It’s cheating,” he says, “performance enhancing substances aren’t allowed in sport, I fail to see how music should be any different.”
Now over 40000 minutes old, Mystic Shona has been predicting the alignments of the planets for nearly her entire existence, following a brief spell as a PC World Communication Senior Deputy Executive Support Guru Synergy. Follow her guidance wisely, as the astral plains have been known to influence everything on earth.
Note from the Mystic: “Please remember, astral followers, that Kim Kardashian is not a star sign, I am really tired of questions about this.”
TERRENCE’S TIPS AND GRANLEY’S GRIPES
The editors of this #rag have forced me to write an #aboutme section. Since this is directly at odds with the #manofmystery persona I attempt to hide behind, I’ll keep it brief:
Melanie does not possess many skills which lend themselves to journalistic endeavours. Indeed her only previous work was at a magazine where her job was to write the contents of speech bubbles super-imposed over celebrities heads - things like "Katie better not catch me eating these carbs!" and "Phwooooooar."
As such her employment at Uuh Magazine is based on one trait and one trait alone: a willingness to do the jobs no one else wanted to do (and for relatively little pay into the bargain.)
IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO BE A MILD SUCCESS
Once Kiddeminster Harrier’s most promising central defender, Gary Mayhew fell out of love with football aged 22, and instead pursued a career in the banking sector. Now aged 41 he’s decided to give the beautiful game another shot and has a host of top clubs vying to secure his signature.
This column will give him an opportunity to document his new career and prove it’s never too late to be a mild success. Gary would also like to point out that he is definitely NOT having a midlife crisis, and will fight anyone who claims otherwise.