Xavier is unusual among film critics in that he has never seen a film all the way through. Instead he operates a very unique grading system – a film will be rated based on how quickly it takes him to walk out the cinema; if he stays over an hour, it must be a modern masterpiece.
Xavier claims that if he could have any superpower it would be the power to block out all knowledge of the existence of superhero movies - it might not save any lives, but it would save him a helluva lot of time and money.
It has been a tough road for Ms Wotherspoon, but after years of failed attempts to start a newspaper column, Edna has finally got her way in Uuh! Magazine. In this column, she will regularly warn the public of several unknown evils they face on a day to day basis - specifically the coven of TV quiz show hosts and morning presenters who were sent to Earth by Satan and are secretly conspiring to take over the world.
Edna has already become suspicious of the editor - having overheard him refer to her as a crazy cat lady, despite her not having told him about any of the sixteen cats she owns. Strange indeed.
Following the revelation that Uuh! Magazine was making worrying fiscal losses, the editor responded in the only sensible manner- by bringing in proffesional gambler Wayne Billiard to win some much needed dosh for the publication.
After a successful trial period during the 2018 Eurovision song contest, Wayne has now been awarded a bet review column, where he will demonstrate his betting prowess by gambling on a whole host of events, both sporting and miscellaneous. We hope Wayne is able to permanently transform the magazine's financial fortunes.
Now over forty thousand minutes old, Mystic Shona has been predicting the alignments of the planets for nearly her entire existence, following a brief spell as a PC World Communication Senior Deputy Executive Support Guru Synergy. Follow her guidance wisely, as the astral plains have been known to influence everything on earth.
Note from the Mystic: “Please remember, astral followers, that Kim Kardashian is not a star sign, I am really tired of questions about this.”
Born John Jeffers, our music correspondent added an umlaut to his name in 1992, having frequently been told he sounded too dull for the indie scene. He has often toyed with the idea of adding a grave accent to the second 'e' in Jeffers but has so far resisted.
Jöhn refuses to cover any musicians who have written or performed under the influence of drugs. “It’s cheating,” he says, “performance enhancing substances aren’t allowed in sport, I fail to see how music should be any different.”
Melanie does not possess many skills which lend themselves to journalistic endeavours. Indeed her only previous work was at a magazine where her job was to write the contents of speech bubbles super-imposed over celebrities heads - things like "Katie better not catch me eating these carbs!" and "Phwooooooar."
As such her employment at Uuh Magazine is based on one trait and one trait alone: a willingness to do the jobs no one else wanted to do (and for absolutely free into the bargain.)