Aquarius: After a 15th can of Irn Bru in four hours, your skin takes on an unearthly orange glow. This causes you to be mistaken, with equal frequency, for either Peter Andre or a streetlamp. Overall this is of marginal benefit to your life.
Cancer: Cancer? Jesus Christ, why is it called that? That’s really ominous and foreboding. This week: you get tuberculosis and die.
Sagittarius: You create a new breakfast cereal that combines four kilograms of maple syrup with a dusting of cornflakes. Kelloggs buy you out within the week and rename your creation Diet Frosties.
Virgo: Saturn has had enough of you this week, Virgo. It just can’t be sacked trying to predict your love life, so has outsourced your fortune to Mongolian football team Ulaanbaataryn Mazaalaynuud. If they win, you can expect great fortune and success. If they lose or draw, one of your loved ones will be consumed by either jealousy or a large Yak. Saturn doesn’t fuck around.
Gemini: A meteor shower signals a downturn in your opportunities this week Gemini. Regard new offers and promises with great suspicion, as most will result in your being crushed by a meteor.
Aries: Is the ram. A ram has got two balls. Sheep with no balls are called wethers. For God’s sake don’t get them mixed up. It’s really important this week Aries. I’m not joking.
Taurus: Eat a chakra. Just do it wuss, come on, for fuck’s sake.
Pisces: Remember Pisces? Remember that inversion of Mercury that required you to purchase a large bat and a pair of horns? Find an Aries and ask them the question. If they mix them up, you know what to do.
Leo: This week, Bjork chooses you as her latest sidekick. Just go with it, Leo, I know the lycra bodysuit she’s made you wear is uncomfortable but the punishment if you take it off will be far worse.
Capricorn: “OH GOD IT’S ALIVE. PLEASE KILL IT, PLEASE. THIS GOO IS SO WRONG BUT SO RIGHT.” – you scream, as your realise you really need to stop shopping at Lidl. Capricorn, try Aldi next week.
Scorpio: Your search history now entirely consists of rare neurological disorders and their links to the prevalence of the hijab in East Surrey. Your new job at the Daily Express is going well.
Mystic Shona is an astrology expert living in a location undisclosed even to the editor.