I had been hoping to devote this column, once again, to detailing more of the crimes of the previously exposed Phillip Schofield - but something rather more pressing has come up. You may have noticed that earlier this year, a few episodes of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? were broadcast with Jeremy Clarkson in the presenter's chair.
I don’t know what ITV gave as the official reason for Chris Tarrant’s absence, but I have been able to prove the correct reason- he was too busy working directly with the hounds of hell. It is time now to expose the findings of a detailed investigation I have carried out into his deeds.
I would like to structure my findings in the style of a round of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? but I should tell you from the start, for maximum impact, that the correct answer to each of the following questions is always D). This structure is being adopted for impact, not flippancy, so please don’t be thinking this is some kind of light-hearted quiz the kind of which you might find on another online magazine, for it is anything but.
I should say from the outset that at the end of this article you won’t become a millionaire, but you will gain something far more valuable - you’ll be awake to the crimes of a monster.
For £100: Where was Chris Tarrant born?
D) Chris Tarrant wasn’t born, he was personally fashioned by the devil in the deepest regions of hell and sent to Earth to wreak his specific brand of havoc.
For £1,000: What is Chris Tarrant’s middle name?
D) Unholy martyr and esteemed hellraiser, whose blood will rain down upon all Earthling heathens when judgement day comes
For £8,000: Who is Chris Tarrant’s idea of a perfect women?
A) His first wife, Sheila
B) His second wife, Ingrid
C) An unspecified female demon
D) Anne Robinson
For £32,000: What is Chris Tarrant’s favourite hobby?
B) Singing in a choir
C) Asking trivia questions
D) Merrily dancing on the graves of innocent children, whilst playing a lute
For £250,000: Where is Chris Tarrant’s favourite holiday destination?
C) Anywhere with a beach
D) There is no rest for the wicked, Tarrant never holidays, you fucking naive idiot.
For £1,000,000: What proof do I have for these claims?
A) Various official records from numerous reliable and trustworthy sources
B) Video evidence from a secret camera investigation I personally carried out.
C) Testimony from those closest to him, sworn under oath.
D) JUST LOOK AT THE MAN FOR CHRIST’S SAKE WHAT PROOF DO I NEED?!